New Venture

Colin and I are going into business together. I am in charge of marketing, scheduling, and transportation. Colin will be providing the service. For a small fee, Colin will come in to your home and identify every possible breakable/non-baby-friendly/potentially harmful situation in each room of your house. Our target market is going to be mothers expecting for the first time and couples or individuals (of any age) with young relatives coming to visit. Even families with young children in the home already can benefit from Colin's expertise. He has a gift, I tell you. The great part is, the entire evaluation takes less than 15 minutes. However, for a more thorough evaluation, he may need to stay for a few days. Some things he has discovered on this trip include:

• Large knobs on a stereo system are an irresistible temptation, no matter how many times the mother says "No," or what you use to try to block access to them.
• Enclosed balconies are, in fact, a safe place for a baby to play unsupervised.
• Cabins are an overall okay place to hang out as long as your older brother doesn't pull a blanket out from under you, flipping you face-first onto a metal dump truck, resulting in a split upper lip.
• If your mom places you in a highchair-type seat that attaches to a bar, she absolutely must buckle the center strap unless she wants you to slide right on through (although there will probably be time to catch you before you hit the floor).
• It is possible to back hand-spring down 4 carpeted stairs while your mother is standing next to you "watching" you. This does hurt.
• Little snow village figurines are completely irresistible.
• Ceramic dogs are completely irresistible (see below).
• The emergency exit handle on the window of the shuttle bus at Zion National Park is completely irresistible. Your mother will just have to move you to a different seat.
• It's okay to play in a doorway leading to the backyard as long as there isn't a 2-year-old trying to smash your fingers repeatedly.
• It is not okay for your mother to place you on the kitchen counter and take her hands off you (while still standing next to you). The mother, in this instance, may have to catch you by the front of your shirt 2 inches from the ground after you leap off. If you attempt this with your own baby, do not do it in front of your mother-in-law's best friend. That just makes you look like an irresponsible parent.