We love you, Max!!

I have been putting off this post for as long as possible. Partly because I don't feel like it's my story to tell. Partly because there aren't adequate words to describe the experience. But I don't want it to seem like I don't care, or we haven't gone through a life-changing event, so it's time to jump in.

Last year we realized that Jason's maternal grandmother, Bonnie, had never met Colin (who is almost 3) or Madeline, who will be 1 at the end of this month. We really wanted to see her and have her meet our kids, so we planned a trip out west with some time spent in Idaho with her and some time in Salt Lake with my sisters. We planned the trip for the second week of July, then found out that Jason's mom's family was holding a family reunion in southeastern Idaho the weekend of the 4th of July. We were able to make a last minute change to Jason's work vacation schedule in order to be there. Then, because we love to travel in the most chaotic and aggressive way possible, we threw in a trip to Yellowstone in the middle of the week.

The day of the reunion was gorgeous, with perfect weather. We arrived at Jason's aunt and uncle's brand-new lake house right in time for breakfast. Everyone was so friendly, gracious, and welcoming. All his mom's siblings were there, along with his parents, several of his cousins and their spouses and kids, and all of Jason's siblings except Nathan and his family. I don't think we've all been together like that in 5 1/2 years (since his grandpa's funeral). We spent the day eating, boating, sitting by the water, watching kids play, eating some more, and visiting. It was so perfect. I even told Jason halfway through the day that I was having such a great time, and that I was more comfortable with his aunts and uncles than I would be with my own. Everyone is just so incredibly nice.

Ryan and Leanne arrived a little late (they flew in to SLC that morning and got lost). Ethan and his cousins spent 2 hours on the front porch waiting for their cousin Max to arrive, whom they all adored. I was sitting by the water when they arrived. Max ran across the yard, stood at the top of the incline, and then ran straight down it. The first thing I noticed was that he was wearing a Star Wars shirt (of course). He happily greeted everyone, then ran down to the dock to wait for a boat to come back. He couldn't wait to get out there and join the fun. We spent the afternoon boating. Around 5:00, I got Colin up from his nap so he could go out on the boat one more time before dinner. I was going to take him out on the boat but decided not to go at the last minute, and Jason took him instead, and went down to the shore to wait for one of the boats to return. I was feeding Maddie dinner a few minutes later when Jason's grandma ran in the house and said Max wasn't breathing. Ethan and I ran down to the shore, where Jason and his cousin Meagan were doing CPR.

Everything after that is too personal and painful to publish on a forum as public and impersonal as a blog. Max was pronounced brain dead later that night in Salt Lake City and taken off life support the next day. We had a beautiful funeral for him the following Wednesday. Leanne had his cousins make a lego memorial in his honor. Ethan said to me, "I made the guy with no pants." (What a surprise.)

The day after the funeral was his 10th birthday, so we went to his favorite place (Legoland), rode his favorite rides, and ended the day at the beach with a party he would have loved, complete with a treasure hunt with real buried treasure and a Lego brick birthday cake. "Max's Beach Day" will be annual tradition on his birthday and a chance for both sides of the family to get together and celebrate him.

We are home now and trying to find a way to move on with our lives when we feel like a part of our hearts died along with our nephew. He was the sweetest boy. The perfect oldest cousin, who was so revered by the younger boy cousins to whom he was unfailingly kind. Always happy, full of joy, with a sweet half smile that he would flash me whenever I talked to him. We will miss him every day until we see him again, and will miss the stellar example of faith, kindness, and love he showed to everyone in his family.

When I told Ethan I thought Max might not make it, he got really sad and asked if we could say 12 prayers for Max. As I was putting Maddie down to bed, he came in and told me he had just gone and prayed. As I was putting Colin to bed, Ethan told me he pointed to a picture of Jesus on the mantle and said, "Jesus loves Max." Tonight, he came and told me he said one prayer to Heavenly Father and one prayer to Max.

Our hearts ache for Jason's brother Ryan, his wife, Leanne, and their daughters. Beautiful, introspective Abby, and spunky, cute Charlie. For the painful years they face. For the hours and days we long to be with them but won't.

In a situation like this, you can't help but carefully examine your life. It inevitably changes you in some way. More than ever, I'm committed to focusing on the only things in life that matter...your relationship with God and the Savior, your relationship with your husband and children, your relationship with other family members, and your service to others. Most of all, I'm grateful. For my amazing husband, who I am completely in awe of, for his calm, professional, knowledgeable reaction to a horrific situation. And for his cousin Meagan, who jumped in with no hesitation and did an amazing job. For my parents and brother (and his wife) for taking my two youngest kids so I could mourn with Jason's family. For the countless acts of service we were shown by Jason's family and Ryan and Leanne's friends in southern California. For friends and family who are willing to reach out to us. For awesome, fun, loving new in-laws that I count among my family now. For my kids, that I get to squeeze and hug and kiss goodnight. For them, I pray for happiness and safety. For me, I pray for time.

We love you, Max. We miss you. Our family is better off because you are in it. Ryan, Leanne, Abby, Charlie...we love you...you are on our minds and in our prayers every day.